Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
