Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
