He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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