i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
