Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
