Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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