We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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