he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
