My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
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Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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