I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
