now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
