sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
