Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later