I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.