I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..