Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
