i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
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waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.