this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
