mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
