I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
