In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
