Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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