listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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