I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
