is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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