I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
