i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dicks are not precious.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
