I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
