i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
