He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
