he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
