Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
smell my finger.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
