no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
smell my finger.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
