walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
