i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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