Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
