I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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