He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
