I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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