I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
