dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You're a waste of cheezeits
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I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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