I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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