How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
