and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
