just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize