I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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