Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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