there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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