My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
