i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
