I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
