just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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