Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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