So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
