I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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