Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize