You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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