don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
