Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
