I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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