I heard we made out
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
