Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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