3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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