i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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