my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
