just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Are we still banned from the library?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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