So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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