Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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