I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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